"Grace Vessel" – 07/22/22

I am all for body positivity!
I've preached this my whole life
A former ballerina, I've seen the tension between those
Whose physiques naturally appear as lithe as desired
And those who struggle in myriad regrettable ways
Squeezing delicate psyches into unattainable molds

I've seen loved ones suffer from full-blown anorexia
Colleagues, friends and family use food as a means
To (self) punish, to reward, to emotionally hoard and
For this reason I always considered it miraculous
I was able to eschew these self-destructive patterns
So long studied, in myself. But this, today, is a cry for

Help hosing down my own mind with you who love me
Holding me accountable. Yes, I know the right things
To eat, to drink, to do - the 10,000 steps, the calcium
Pills galore, fish oil, antioxidants, more berries olive
Oils green juice green veggies less sugar - at least
Refined - I've read the books, some of them twice

I can say with reasonable confidence collectively
They saved my life but today, some 4 plus years
After my "reset", I seem to have slipped beyond
Easy fixing and aside from the big belly I look down at
Quizzically I am forced to question the cold hard facts:
Why am I always "starving"? Why can't I not eat ALL

Snacks immediately if they're there I consume them
Ravenously if I'm home I will climb the ladder to the
Highest shelf no matter the time, midnight or beyond
Meal times are for those who can actually decide
So from my own generally poor memory I feebly aim
To hide what I hope I won't jump out of bed at unlikely

Hours to eat with a kind of desperation as though
I hadn't already gained a healthy "freshman pandemic
25" yet it's not the weight, I quite like a zaftig vibe
It's the inability to choose to stop like Kristen playing
Diana roaming the palace after hours ravenous my
Whole day is the proverbial icebox of temptation

I don't even notice the frostbite to my pseudo-spiritual
Extremities so no this is not a "kvetch" or confession
But merely me resolving to do better to be kind
To breathe through moments of hunger's chaos when
My body can't catch up with my mind and to know
As in all things balance can't take too much time

Is natures most precious parade cascading down
From the sky but swiftly evaporating oh let me jump
In the puddle playfully without needing to up the ante
Beyond what I can handle healthfully I'm playing
The long game here and want to be dancing at ninety
In spite of my notable (serious illness recovery) history

Beautiful, green, leafy, spinach salad with miraculous
Sunflower seeds and raspberries glistening glittery
Red G-d-given energy please heal me and let this poem
Document the moment when I looked, stone-cold, at
What truly ails me and committed however belatedly
To begin anew at loving and respecting me, mindfully